Quest for MommieHood

"They have so many children.  I am so out of that loop.  How is your quest for MommieHood?"  

Those were Goddess Lisa's chosen posted words - so innocent and seemingly peaceful - so much emotion and memories evoked and released and this time, I just let it go through me and breathed through it -  the turmoil is subsiding (there are still a last couple layers of sludge to release, a few last translucent layers of the onion to peel).  However, I am open to it all, now.  Especially now, as I prepare to flow and RE-lease my precious egg (the one necessary to open the doors to MommieHood).

I am at peace with where I am - not traveling on any loop that I am familiar with.  No three kids for me by the age of 40.  No LITTLE PEEPS of the human variety. Although, counting my blessings and completely grateful -  we have grown in LEAPS and BOUNDS.   Noah finally said YES to doggess-goddess energy.  That's taken YEARS.

I used to feel ENVI-ous (Jealousy's CUZ) of other women when they were pregnant with their bellies round and full.  I would feel hurt when friends would call and announce yet another one and then stopped seeing us because we were the odd ones out.  I used to cry when the Egg fell out and the lining released and I bled.  It didn't help that parents, family, friends and strangers reminded me that I was getting up in the years or the famous "NOW or NEVER" or that "biological clock" ticking.

Our society seems to look at women giving birth after 30 as anomalies.  I held those beliefs too, for a long time.  And the fears that I would not have the opportunity in this lifetime.  And I was angry and bitter.  And not in a good space.  And also, at the time, unhealthy and overweight and unhappy.

My love of my life and my partner for the last almost 12 years, Noah, told me, just have a little FAITH.  Now, Noah is a very good man.  He might be slow on delivery however if he says something is going to happen, it happens.  I mean, hello, this is the guy who built the Ark and brought the animals two by two.  Tee hee!!!

So, I took a deep look within to see what needed to shift.  My attitude for one.  My habits for another.  Bye bye killing myself with cigarettes or obliterating my brain cells with alcohol. Hello early morning walks and meditation and stretching and weights. A few massive thick layers removed.

Bye bye television set in the living room, television set in the bedroom.  Hello to learning about my energy and rooting myself in nature and connecting with trees.  Bye Bye chicken and fish and eggs and milk.  Hello yummy veggies and fruits and new recipes.  Bye bye to painful thoughts and low self esteem.  Hello to strong and sexy body and positive affirmations and being here in the Now.

The tears dried up and FAITH showed up.  I mean, I have always been a late bloomer.   And, double hello, in the Bible, Sarah has her first child at 90 years old.   And like I said, if Noah says it's going to happen, it's going to happen.  And then I found other Goddess sisters on the internet who were going through the same thing.  My favorite read is Goddess Boho Girl who shares her feelings and thoughts on this topic so exquisitely.

And it made me ponder.  Things that make you go hmmmm....  What if the Universe has something in store for me greater than I expected for myself?  Then I started paying attention - observing all around me - TWINS - everywhere we go.  We met 8 year old twin boys on our last cruise and 7 year old twin girls.  On the beach this weekend, twin girls.  Bought a new cooktop, our salesman is a twin - runs the shop with his twin brother.  It makes me laugh. A childhood book that left a deep impression on me was Jacob Two Two & The Hooded Fang. Operative words being TWO TWO.  Tee hee!!!

And what if I need to prepare myself double time? I mean I have been learning and studying and researching for an unconventional birth. No hospital and doctors for me. I'm giving birth in the water with Noah right there behind me to catch the baby, babies, tee hee!!!  I read Ina May's books about Spiritual Midwifery and Guide to Childbirth.  I will be giving birth while experiencing delicious orgasms.  And my trip to the Farm has finally been rescheduled so I can learn and feel the energy firsthand.  Yay!!!

And what about my FEARS - and I had a lot of those - I am a SENSITIVE - I am very sense-oriented - get overwhelmed when my senses are all stimulated - need quiet time/still time/Meow independent time to get myself together.  Sharing my body from the inside out- How does a woman like me give birth and not lose it???  or maybe I am meant to lose IT -  whatever IT means (hmmm.... big shift.... where once before that filled me with fear and trepidation, I am glad to say I am actually looking forward to this with anticipation and wonder).

Being that I never cared for school, I created BIRTH CAMP for myself - a fun way to learn all the components and facets of pregnancy and birth in preparation for the big moment and experience.  Now that the floodgates have been released, now that I BELIEVE,  my heart is open and I am ready to share more of this path I am taking.

I know that there is a greater plan in store for Noah and me. And the gifts - so many - my patience level has expanded, the communication and intimacy between Noah and me, the self-love for myself, the sacred space we are creating.  I am like a seed waiting to sprout, knowing that a little more rain and sunshine and time will allow me to stretch and reach out beyond the earth until I can feel the wind blow and see the moon glow.

P.S.  The work of art above was created by my very talented Goddess Sister Patricia J. Mosca  It sits on my desk and reMINDs me.  Thank you for your inspiration and commitment to creating and playing and sharing.