"If you do, I will retaliate", she whimpered.
And she does. I find myself going to the kitchen and pulling out food - any food - something to stuff into my mouth and occupy my hands and hinder my writing.
Except I have to write. I have to let it go. It is time for me to be fully reconciled with what I have left behind. Time to go through that FORBIDDEN door and release any painful traumas that distort my worldview.
One of the things I love about YOGA, PILATES and MASSAGE is going past my comfort zone, stretching my body beyond what it knows and where it is comfortable going. Sometimes, I gingerly step over that line. Like a little tiptoe across that imaginary line of what I know. And sometimes, I take one big huge step (with a little help from my friends, la la la la la....)
Yesterday, at YOGA Dr. Steve's theme was FOUNDATION. Building a strong foundation - supporting ourselves to win. And the class was in-TENSE. Downward dogs and hip openers and handstands and right at the end we did a stretch - opening up the hips and the groin wider. I had a partner assist me and help open me up even further than usual.
And that's when I felt it. A tingling. A rush of blood perhaps. Entering into a place I had not been in a long time. Definitely stretched beyond my comfort zone. And now, cell memories being released, body sending signals to the subconscious and retrieving emotions and images in a rush of sensations as I hold my body and breathe into this place, an old space, feeling right into my face.
The tears are building right behind my eyes and a little lump forms in my throat. I immediately push it away. Not now, no time to go there. Not going to be vulner-ABLE in the presence of others.
And then the moment passes.
Today, I wake up and I am .... what is the word? un-comfort-ABLE - not in pain, not hurting, just experiencing a new dimension within my body - a little sore, a little out of sorts.
And I pull a Faery Oracle card - Epona's Wild Daughter - she speaks to me of inner shadows, de-PRESS-ion, MADness and GROWTH. Answering riddles so as not to be destroyed by my internal conflicts. ReMINDing me that I cannot go forward until I face something buried within that is holding me back. Urging me to heal the unresolved issue of who I really am and what I truly want to be. Time to open the FORBIDDEN door where my fears, inSECURE-ities, self-doubts and denials reside. Time to allow my growth.
BREATHE and pop a pretzel into my mouth. Tee hee!!! I have a whole bag. I am covered for whatever comes up.
(to be continued...)
The second port of call on our cruise was to Nassau, Bahamas.
I started the morning on the ship's gym with windows floor to ceiling overlooking Nassau. Did some weights and a little yoga. Joined the morning stretch class and then a vigorous spinning class led by a young man from South Africa.
By 9:30 a.m., I was showered & fed and we debarked off the ship and past the vendors in the immigration hall and onto the shopping mecca of Bay Street. Being that we are not big shoppers, we kept on walking until we left the strip and found a little beach and some shade to cop a squat. We sat under a Casuarina tree, a/k/a the Australian Pine Tree, and listened to the delightful sounds of the wind blowing through her pine needles. After a little while, we started walking again, destination seemingly unknown to the mind but familiar to the soul. We passed a lovely park and beach and Fort Charlotte and found ourselves in front of Arawak Cay - a whole bunch of fish fry restaurants and bars.
12 years ago, Arawak Cay was not developed at all. It was a little pitstop on the road full of shacks with tables and chairs and vendors cracking the conch right out of the shell in front of your eyes. We had the bestest conch salad and a concoction called Sky Juice (a mixture of coconut milk and gin). Being that we were here on Sunday, nothing was yet open . So we kept on walking, dreaming of the conch salad and conch fritters we would have for lunch.
It's funny but we haven't been here in 12 years.
In fact, the first and last time we were here was the first trip we ever took together. Noah surprised me for my birthday and booked tickets to the Bahamas. He called my boss and coordinated everything so that he would pick me up at my office early Friday afternoon, suitcases packed and to the airport we would go. The funny thing is that he forgot the tickets at home - so on a Friday afternoon just at the beginning of rush hour, we drove from downtown Miami the 20 miles to Hollywood and then 18 miles back to Miami to the airport. We made it for our flight just in the nick of time - of course, this was before 9/11 and long security lines and taking off your shoes for no purpose. Tee hee!!!
Back then, he had booked us into this romantic hotel called Orange Inn. We ate a lot of conch, an island aphrodisiac, because we were told it made a man stout. We discovered Compass Point and had a delightful birthday dinner while meeting new friends and listening to a great singer. Back then, we rented a moped to get around the island. This time, we upgraded:
We found Island Scooter Coupe Rental and chose the topless yellow model seen above. For 2 1/2 hours, we scooted around the island, honking and laughing and letting the wind and sun scorch us as we ventured to Cable Beach and beyond and went back in time to the places of long ago.
Revisiting Compass Point and its lovely cottages made me realize how inspired I was by their decor. And how I came home and incorporated their savoir-faire and joie de vivre into the design and color of my home. Being here gave me the freedom to be and paint in wild and fabulous colors and express myself.
This vacation has been so nurturing for my soul. Noah and I really had an opportunity to relax and unwind and have no response-abilities. And play and explore and discover. And revisit the past and observe the changes and growth in Nassau, in ourselves and our relationship.
Right across from Arawak Cay, Noah found a vendor making conch fritters. She dunked her little balls into the oil and four minutes later, we were eating the yummiest conch fritters. 
And then we headed back for our cruise, full and satisfied and happy.
