Becoming Whole Again

Grieving - GRIEF - Letting go

I didn't think this applied to me. NO-body has died recently - my life is charmed - and yet I have the symptoms, I am feeling, I am grieving.

Definition of grieving: "When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with."

I have been separated from many WO-men this year, Sister Goddesses - who are traveling different paths. Yet for the most part, I have come into acceptance - one of the last stages of grief - understanding that people come into your life for a season, a reason ... and being grateful for the gifts they shared.

What I am really grieving for is my physical loss - being torn apart from my EGG. This egg that I have had since I was conceived and birthed. This egg carrying my X chromosomes as well as those of my mother's, my mother's mother's and her mother before that. This Egg that could have been fertilized .... And lately, the losing of this Egg is causing me great GRIEF. My uterus sheds its lining and I bleed - tears for the Earth. I feel so empty, my container is leaking, I cannot take anything in.

So I go through the stages - Denial, ANGER - Rah!!!, bargaining, dePRESSion, acceptance -the great spiral of GRIEF that floods my body with emotions once a month until I lose my balance.

Caught up in all the sludge of FEELINGS and hor-MOANs and stories. Our society would rather not talk about this miraculous gift we Goddesses have and the powers it bestows upon us when we embrace the cycle. Sigh!!! I am surely trying to do that.

And then I have wonderful moments of GRACE when I can laugh and find my strength and faith to carry on until the next egg is ready to O-VU-late. I know I will find my center again. I am learning to ground and flow with the grief and let it course through me and EMbrace the wonderful energy it gives me - the healing heat in my hands, the knowing in my heart and the visions of my third eye. The creative juices that it sparks if I BREATHE and feel the GRIEF whole-ly and HOLY.

I am reLEARNing how to move through the PAIN and dance with my grief. How to heal myself and give up the suffering and experience the uncomfortableness and breathe through the tightening. Allowing my ES-sense to BREATHE and SWAY. Dancing with life. Flowing with my body.

Waiting patiently for the EGG that chooses to stay and play.

Rollercoaster of Life

This last month has been like a blur - came back from North Carolina and it took me 5 days to adjust and center and reTURN to the world I had left behind.  I tried to jump right back into my exercise routines:  walking and Yoga and Pilates.

I love, love, love YOGA!!! I love seeing how strong my body is - how I can twist and turn and hold my body in positions I never thought I could.  Doing a handstand against the wall, I did not focus on my hands and bent my pillars of support and came crashing down.  And of course, I kept on going like it did not happen.  

However, a huge bruise on my backside left me reeling.  The picture above is two days after the fall and the one below is three days later.  

Now, I know that my JOB is to show up. Whatever and wherever I am committed to, no matter what I feel internally, it is my job to show up.  That night at Laughter Yoga, Goddess Sergi from the Sun Sentinel showed up.  She attended our class and interviewed the members of our circle.  We had a lovely session and although we laughed and created powerful love and light in our corner of the Universe, I felt a little depleted and drained.  The next day, I could barely function.  The New Moon leaving me weak and sleepy.  Barely functioning - just getting by - ODAAT - one day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Feeling empty and broken.  Feeling sad.

I realize how the Universe gives me gentle life lessons when I fall out of balance (tee hee!!!). Some people need accidents and drama.  I just need a little tenderness and swelling to make me turn within and see what is out of sorts.

And it's this same LIFE LESSON about going slow, taking my time, being present in the moment rather than trying to rush through life to catch up.  Catch up to what?  My mind can tell you a long list of TO-DO's that it thinks needed to be done yesterday.  Tee hee!!!

However, this reMINDer is about PRIORITIES.  Slowing down - spending time with the Meows and GingerMama after being away for four days.  Allowing my body to decompress and let go of the experiences and people I met and settle down to my home pace before plunging into my activities and busy-ness.

I am listening OH Universe - I am listening to all of the messages my body has for me.

And of course, the gift for showing up - a fabulous article by Goddess Sergi in the Sun Sentinel Community section and some fantastic photos.  Tee hee!!!  That's me doing some Argument laughter.

I slept and swam the whole weekend, never turned on my computer, hung out with the little PEEPS and healed myself back to a new state of normal.  or not.  

Life is good and like a roller coaster.  Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down.  And then I pick myself up and start dancing again!!!