Speaking my Truth

Speaking my truth - standing my ground - not a matter of what I am saying but HOW. And in this case what I said.

And sometimes the truth hurts.

However, I need to hear it.

I have to find the courage to face up to things.

Even things I might not want to hear.

The other day I threatened him. It was meant to be humorous. It just popped out over my lips and exhaled right out of my mouth as I put my forearm on the table and made a fist with my left hand .

"You see my fist?" I told him.

I was frustrated, crampy, tired, irritated, feeling mucho uncomfortable and not honoring myself and doing something about it. It's that time of the month when I am flowing. We both know that on these days it is best for me to exercise gently (walk and swim) and rest ( alot of napping and lolling about). I chose to do differently. So many things to DO. Nervous about the whole family coming over this weekend. And having my place ready for show and tell. Moving things about and cleaning.

Finally, the stress on my body took its toll. We were sitting having lunch, him and me and my Mom (the witness, tee hee!!!) Whatever he was saying was aggravating me. And rather then face up to myself and breathe, I took the road very much traveled in my unconscious years - silence the witness by force.

He made me laugh. "Your fist? Is that a threat?" He told us how some of the hairs on his forearm jumped up in fear when they saw my fist rise.  And how he could probably sue me for Assault. We were all laughing.  Then I was crying and laughing - the emotional brouhaha finally released; the valve was loosened and the tears just following gravity and releasing the toxins within.

What a blessing this man is, always defusing a situation. However, as my Mom pointed out - I wouldn't like if someone said that to me and showed me their fist. In fact, I would feel slightly intimidated.

And then she threw in the obvious - "Is that what you're going to do when you have kids?" And of course, he and she started laughing all over again at, with me, for me. (I have been saying this over and over to him in regards to our training of GingerMama or shall I say her re-education of us as to what she needs... tee hee!!!) 

Sometimes hard to swallow your own medicine.  And then you breathe through the lump and laugh.

I'm off to nap time with Ruby Meow where I can become still and peaceful and see how to sever these old patterns of behavior and heed my own truths.

Peek-A-Boo

Peek-a-boo, where are you?

Totally honest -no blockages, no veils, peeling back all the layers.

Honesty - I was afraid to burden others with my truths and used to fear what others thought - tee hee!!! at least this one is passe - walking around with hair on your legs and being yourself regardless of what others see or think - broke this barrier down completely.  Bye bye to to this layer of IN-secure-ity.

I am finding that my own explorations of the terrain called ME is quite exciting.  I have been adventurous as I tiptoe through the valleys and ravines of ME, letting go of some of what I once labeled as "mistakes" or "faults".  Learning to reLANGUAGE these landmarks and hotspots as "gifts" and "blessings".  The parts of me that make me U-nique and different and yet so the same and interconnected to others. 

I am living within an emotional environment of TRUTH.   Keeping my heart open to what I FEEL and cannot yet see.  Trusting my heart and the GREAT GODDESS/MOTHER GAIA to keep me from closing off - no disappearing acts or running away -  being fully present in my relationships and friendships and life in general.

If my path is to be successful, then I must share it.  I cannot shrink because others may feel envious.  NO MORE!!!  I have released relationships with women who were not ready to support me in whatever direction my STAR takes off.  ReMEMBERing that this guidance and HELP is within - Goddess knows there are so many here within me, tee hee!!! - I have my own cheerleading squad, my own PEEPS,  to PRO-pel me forward.  Go, Goddess, Go.

And of course, truly opening my eyes and realizing all the Goddesses/SISTERS who are around me - who connect and call and reMIND and nurture and love me and help me keep the flame connected and burning strong so that I may light the fire under theirs.

Peek-a-boo, where are you?  I'm ready to come out and play!!!

(The awesome picture above was created in PhotoBooth on my MacBook using Mirror effect)

Fearless Leader of Feminine Truth

I have always been afraid that my words would be used against me. That my words would help convict me. That my words would be misconstrued and abused. And suddenly, that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

And so what if they are? I will write more.

And so what if others do not like what I have to say? It is my time to speak up and share.

There are a million just like me, who talk like me and walk like me (thanks Eminem) - who can relate to what I have to say, who might find solace in my words, who might help release grief because of what I share.

And besides, my words are not my own. I am divinely inspired.

What gives me the right to cut off the source? What allows me to not trust my voice and share the gift of writing that I have been given? Is my ego so big that I cannot allow the divine flow to take over and just be an instrument without putting myself in the way?

I am the garden hose through which the Goddess nourishes her plants.