The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Ginger Mama & the Twins (Charlie and Ellie Mae)

(Originally written on 1/21/09 - posted today)

The Good - time with the Twins. We are dog-god and doggess-goddess sitting. We are with the twins again - Charlie and Ellie Mae. GingerMama loves being with her cousins especially since we are staying at the twin's house. And they have a big house - I am guesstimating at least 4000 square feet of it.

Last night, we all jumped in and onto the bed. The twins circled and huffed and hemmed until they were comfortable and plopped. GingerMama wanted to join us on the bed. She was tempted. However, she was aware of WSM Noah's discomfort and plopped herself by my side of the bed instead.

I am loving walking with all three. GingerMama takes the lead and Ellie Mae scurries her little paws to catch up while Charlie takes his time and walks by my heel. One stops to sniff, they all stop to sniff. Three sets of floppy ears and wagging tails. I am in heaven.

The Bad - the weather outside is frightening. I love sweater weather here in Florida. It is always refreshing to have a breeze and no humidity. However, it's going down low - to the 30's I hear tell. And the winds in the pre-dawn morning can be unforgiving if one is not prepared to deal. In Florida, this is sometimes difficult. Gloves, scarves and heavy winter material are not readily available. I think about all the other places in the World I could be and how blessed I am to be in Florida. I bundle up and Thank Goddess I am alive to enjoy this day. And the sun starts rising.

The Ugly - how I feel sometimes. Not ugly in how I look but rather in what I am feeling. Anger, frustration and fear. Unpleasant conversation with my grandfather yesterday- he has had it. He doesn't want to live in his condition anymore and would rather not be of this world. And he's angry - spitting venom. Angry at being alone (although it was his choice to stay in Canada by himself), angry at the hand life has dealt him (although his smoking and karma led him down this path). Lashing out at whoever still bothers to call and check up on him (me). Hard to talk to my Mom and Aunt as to what is really going on and what we can do to make it better. Feelings coursing through me that I have never allowed before. Thinking of how messed up it is that the women in this family are not close. It has been this way for most of my life and yet it seems so unnatural.

Funny how we learn to balance all these events and emotions on the inside and present a front on the outside that does not show the internal conflict. Back to meditation so I can ground and find my center and better integrate all that is happening into ME.


The day I wrote this post, my Grandfather passed away. His passing opened the door to amazing communication between the women in the family - like we were liberated to BE and FEEL and SHARE. Thank you Peps!!!

Wishing you, Peace & Love, Just Because,
GoddessDiana

Labor of Love - The Gift of Dad

A few weeks ago, Dad had surgery on his right knee for a torn meniscus. WSM Noah and I went to the clinic to be with Mom while Dad was having this outpatient surgery performed. We waited a few hours while he was in the recovery room to help escort him home. When he came out, he was fuzzy - emotional and woozy from the anesthesia and the nerve block to his right femur.

WSM Noah removed the middle row of seats in Mom's SUV so we could slide Dad in onto the floor and let him sit with his legs extended. I sat behind him, cradling him between my legs, to cushion him from the car door. I held him and stroked his forehead during the brief ride home. We got him home and into bed. We hooked up the ice machine and connected to the tubes wrapped around his knee. Covered him up and held his hand until he fell asleep.

Over the next few days, I came over to give my Mom some free time to run errands and just BE. Being that their place is Grand Central Station (my Dad is President of his building as well as on a whole bunch of committees at Century Village), I kissed Mom good bye, locked the door after her and turned off all the phone ringers in the house.

I sat on the bed next to Dad, my legs crisscrossed apple sauce, and studied as he slept. When he would cry out in pain, I placed his hands on his heart and mine ontop of his and we breathed long deep breaths together to release the sensations of pain and discomfort of his body. I caressed his brow when the pain overwhelmed him.

We were together in silence for the majority of the day as he slept deeply for brief periods of time. And when he awoke, he unburdened his heart and then take deep breaths with me until he fell back asleep and let his body heal himself. While he slept I looked at all the family pictures on the wall and memories came flooding back of different times and spaces.

Being with my Dad has been such a blessing. Being able to reverse the roles and care for him as he once cared for me was perhaps even more healing for me than for him. Being there in his presence while creating a space of peace and calm, helped me release and let go of old cell memories of my younger years. I felt and experienced old past hurts and resentments and breathed them right through and off my skin. Hearing him breathe and holding his hands and wiping the fever off his brow gave me a completely different perspective on the parent - child relationship and even the father - daughter dynamic.

It allowed me to open my heart even wider and allow the child within to come out and play and nurture and love unconditionally. The adult in me found peace with the past.

The Universe provided this opportunity for healings on so many levels.

WSM Dad & Sammy

Thank you Daddy. I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

Wishing you,

Peace & Love, Just Because,

GoddessDiana

VALIDATION

This little clip sent to me by a Goddess Angel Sister cheers me up and sends warm fuzzies all the way to my bones.

Thank you for the reminder.

Wishing you,

Peace & Love, Just Because,

Goddess Diana

Winter SOLSTICE

(This post was written in the last week of December, 2008 and edited in March, 2009)

Back from Jamaica two weeks now - and NO thing is the same any more.

Things that mattered no longer seem to hold the same importance. Being on the computer, checking my emails, reading. All of my focus has shifted. Spending time with Ginger Mama and the Meows. Enjoying my house, my sacred space. Being present as I learn to communicate with the four legged and all of the essence that makes up my home.

I strengthen a new skin below the surface as the old layer finally sheds. We reach the CORE - the HEART of the MATTER. Which has always been one of my favorite songs from Don Henley and the Eagles.

"I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter
Everything changes And my friends seem to scatter
I think its about forgiveness Forgiveness"

And the weather/alignment of the stars and time of the year is affecting me. Winter. My mom and aunt are de-PRESSed as is my neighbour. An old part of me, that skin that has known this de-PRESS-ion is still holding on to my new skin. A cell memory that has been part of me for 40 years!!! Part of me is ready to share and the other part is keeping it all inside.

Perhaps a great sunning and baking will burn the skin off and help me shed what I no longer need. Perhaps a sea salt bath in the ocean of life where my insides and outside environment become one.

Not sure what any of this means - just feeling it. Allowing it to go through and letting it GO (GingerMama taught me this one - shaking it all off and letting the energy tumble off and out of me).

3 months later: In the 50's this morning. Have my period too. Feeling very sensitive. The skin has sloughed off in some spots yet stubbornly holds on to other areas. Breathing through it. Watching the process with love and compassion for the Little One within. Trusting that the gift of these moments will reveal themselves when the time is right.