Thursday, January 15, 2009

Message from the Universe

bounce back Pictures, Images and Photos

Goddess SmartGirl turned me on to Tut's Adventurer's Club where I signed up for a Thought for the Day.

This is what I received one day:

Have you ever felt so down you wondered whether or not you'd bounce back? Later were you surprised by how quickly you did bounce back? And then were you surprised by how far you went? Did you promise you'd never forget how amazing that was?

Yes, yes, yes and yes!!!

I contemplated this for a long time - going back into my HER-story - thinking about what knocked me down and what helped me bounce back. And what shift or changes I had to make in order to find the gifts and move forward and beyond where I was.

When I worked as a paralegal in Miami (another lifetime, tee hee) - I used to have all sorts of chronic illnesses - stomach upsets, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attacks, agoraphobia.... I was on all sorts of medications. My psychiatrist used to dole it out like it was candy - mixing pinks with whites and yellows.What I didn't realize then and what was never diagnosed was that I was dePRESSed.

My soul was not FREE to BE me. I was fulfilling my parent's expectations and society's demands to be productive and have a job. I was following the MONEY myth (earn more, spend more). I was working crazy hours and I was very good at what I did but I was NOT happy. I was spending two and a half hours a
day driving in rush hour traffic to go 36 miles.

I worked in a building where people were constantly sick. The people in my office - attorneys, secretaries and paralegals - would compete in tongue lashing and rumor mongering and office politicking and billing impossible hours for work really not done.

It was all a pit of darkness and negativity to which I would show up with a smile and gusto to do my best. I would walk out confused and drained. My emotional state quickly manifested into a very sick physical state. I was crushing the life out of my body.

The pills that were prescribed helped a little. They would regulate my moodiness and give me a little buzz. Kind of like everything going in slow mo. However, the side effects were terrible. Nausea, headaches, heart palpitations. Long term, it really messed with my head and my sense of balance and my weight. I always felt groggy, as if I was living in a fog. It was like a bandaid on a deeply infected wound.

It didn't alleviate my fears - which is what I truly had to examine. What would happen if I didn't have a job? How would I pay my bills? the mortgage, the car payment, utilities? What if I didn't have health insurance (the "benefits")? and what about my accrued funds in a 401K?

WSM Noah had his own business in aviation. As an enterpreneur in a new business, he was not always guaranteed a monthly infusion of cash. Not like the SECURITY of my twice a month paychecks and overtime and health benefits and being vested in my 401K. My benefits were covering us, just in case we ever got sick (the irony!!!) And how else would I keep on paying for my pills?

One day I quit. Just like that. My fear of DYING a life unlived was greater then my fear of not having money to pay the bills. My decision to change had been building for a long time. One day I hit rock bottom. I could not live this way a moment longer. I decided that it was time to explore something different. No more crazy drives to Miami. No more working insane hours with unhappy people. No more panic attacks.

I started working with Noah. The drive from our house to our office was 5 minutes. And I had no set hours since my husband was the boss. Within a week of working together, we made my yearly salary in one business deal. Tee hee!!! Within a month, I had all his accounts in order and collecting money from our customers. And the flow had just begun.

Tee hee!!! I can laugh now, in retrospect. I had been so conditioned. So - have a new job before you quit your old job - mentality. And all that does is keep you in the same space - different job, same issues. DePRESSion at not seeing any other options and thinking that the rest of my life would be the same.

I quit my pills too. Cold turkey. One day I felt strong enough to face life on its own terms. I started walking EVERY DAY. Being consistent with myself. Getting some air into my lungs and giving my body the exercise it was craving. Changing the way I was looking at things. Dreaming and having new thoughts. I started to cook and care about the food that was entering my body and nourishing my sacred vessel.

I started keeping my WORD to ME. The discipline I had for showing up to work, I was converting to doing things for myself. I was showing up for ME. I was changing my priorities to make ME and MY BODY the most important things in my world.

And for every little Baby Step I took, the Universe met me full force - people came into my life to encourage and support me - classes showed up that fit into my schedule. Gifts and opportunities poured in to support my lifestyle and give me the time to BE me - actually, to even figure out who that was.

To find out and see what an amazing child of the Universe I am. And allow me to find out if I liked scrambled eggs or poached or omelets (great scene at the end of Runaway Bride - KNOWING how resilient & strong I am. That I do bounce back and get HIGHer then I ever was before. And all it takes is FAITH....

Wishing you,
Peace & Love, Just Because,

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