I am so grateful for Sunday Scribbling's prompt - Forbidden.
It made me take a look inside. And yes, I ate the whole bag of pretzels and half a chocolate bar and then SHE realized that I was going to GO THERE anyways.
I went to the closet and got the picture of her out. It had been buried in the back. I had promised myself to do something with her image and preserve it so that time and humidity would not destroy it. I had purchased a frame a few weeks ago. I took the time to frame HER and put her in front of me so SHE could witness the images in my head and share her experience and GROW with me, through me so we could go beyond what was holding us back. That's her up there at the top of the post - me at age three.
Stretching - like the seed that has sprouted and reaches beyond the dirt to see the sun. That's what I am doing.
I put on some Kundalini chanting and silenced my thoughts and sat in stillness gazing upon her face. Letting the music seep into my bones and transcend to the molecular level of feeling and knowing.
I feel a light radiating - it is dim and yet I feel its heat. I breathe in and out. I breathe in and out. And the light grows. It warms my heart and tingles into my core, my legs, my feet, my shoulders, my hands. I feel LOVE and PEACE and JOY. I am surrounded by a pink bubble of bliss. I feel safe and protected. No harm can come to me here. And then the images and feelings begin.
Me as a four year old - confused and frightened by the tension, the impatience, the raised voices, the words that are beyond my comprehension. Me, a sensitive child, feeling and seeing things that others could not and being told to stop exaggerating and daydreaming or not to express myself.
Me as a seven year old - feeling the pain of not belonging, not being accepted, being different - equating it to not being good enough for the other kids to play with. Scared to reach out - feeling shy and apprehensive. Trying to fit in and squash my psychic abilities.
Me as a twelve year old - getting my period - body changing, no explanations as to feelings and hormones, no celebration of this sacred time in my young life. Kids at school mean and hurtful, dysfunctional family relationships - feeling the need to protect myself and build a wall around my heart.
"More food", SHE demands. "Or I will cry."
And I cradle her, in my heart. It's okay to cry. That is no longer forbidden. It's okay to be vulnerable and FEEL and express. And we sing together a song of joy and hope. A melody of love and healing and acceptance and forgiveness and letting go.
And I feel an integration - a layer being shed and my heart growing wider. No need for me as an adult (or at least I pretend to be at times) to hang onto these unneeded defenses - shyness and aloofness.
Or the big one - NGE, not good enough. Wow!!! This one I can really let go of. Tee hee!!!
Peeling the onion, stripping myself of these outer protective layers of unneeded defenses. Opening my heart to love and trust and sharing. Helping me expand and become more of what I have potential to be. And yes, I may still be vulnerable to loss and grief and yet, a greater love will make these feel bittersweet and part of the whole experience.
Embracing all parts of me on this beautiful journey called life.