"You're not allowed. Get out. Get away!!! Don't go there", she warned me.
"If you do, I will retaliate", she whimpered.
And she does. I find myself going to the kitchen and pulling out food - any food - something to stuff into my mouth and occupy my hands and hinder my writing.
Except I have to write. I have to let it go. It is time for me to be fully reconciled with what I have left behind. Time to go through that FORBIDDEN door and release any painful traumas that distort my worldview.
One of the things I love about YOGA, PILATES and MASSAGE is going past my comfort zone, stretching my body beyond what it knows and where it is comfortable going. Sometimes, I gingerly step over that line. Like a little tiptoe across that imaginary line of what I know. And sometimes, I take one big huge step (with a little help from my friends, la la la la la....)
Yesterday, at YOGA Dr. Steve's theme was FOUNDATION. Building a strong foundation - supporting ourselves to win. And the class was in-TENSE. Downward dogs and hip openers and handstands and right at the end we did a stretch - opening up the hips and the groin wider. I had a partner assist me and help open me up even further than usual.
And that's when I felt it. A tingling. A rush of blood perhaps. Entering into a place I had not been in a long time. Definitely stretched beyond my comfort zone. And now, cell memories being released, body sending signals to the subconscious and retrieving emotions and images in a rush of sensations as I hold my body and breathe into this place, an old space, feeling right into my face.
The tears are building right behind my eyes and a little lump forms in my throat. I immediately push it away. Not now, no time to go there. Not going to be vulner-ABLE in the presence of others.
And then the moment passes.
Today, I wake up and I am .... what is the word? un-comfort-ABLE - not in pain, not hurting, just experiencing a new dimension within my body - a little sore, a little out of sorts.
And I pull a Faery Oracle card - Epona's Wild Daughter - she speaks to me of inner shadows, de-PRESS-ion, MADness and GROWTH. Answering riddles so as not to be destroyed by my internal conflicts. ReMINDing me that I cannot go forward until I face something buried within that is holding me back. Urging me to heal the unresolved issue of who I really am and what I truly want to be. Time to open the FORBIDDEN door where my fears, inSECURE-ities, self-doubts and denials reside. Time to allow my growth.
BREATHE and pop a pretzel into my mouth. Tee hee!!! I have a whole bag. I am covered for whatever comes up.
(to be continued...)