Friday, October 24, 2008

Speaking my Truth

Speaking my truth - standing my ground - not a matter of what I am saying but HOW. And in this case what I said.

And sometimes the truth hurts.
However, I need to hear it.
I have to find the courage to face up to things.
Even things I might not want to hear.

The other day I threatened him. It was meant to be humorous. It just popped out over my lips and exhaled right out of my mouth as I put my forearm on the table and made a fist with my left hand .

"You see my fist?" I told him.

I was frustrated, crampy, tired, irritated, feeling mucho uncomfortable and not honoring myself and doing something about it. It's that time of the month when I am flowing. We both know that on these days it is best for me to exercise gently (walk and swim) and rest ( alot of napping and lolling about). I chose to do differently. So many things to DO. Nervous about the whole family coming over this weekend. And having my place ready for show and tell. Moving things about and cleaning.

Finally, the stress on my body took its toll. We were sitting having lunch, him and me and my Mom (the witness, tee hee!!!) Whatever he was saying was aggravating me. And rather then face up to myself and breathe, I took the road very much traveled in my unconscious years - silence the witness by force.

He made me laugh. "Your fist? Is that a threat?" He told us how some of the hairs on his forearm jumped up in fear when they saw my fist rise.  And how he could probably sue me for Assault. We were all laughing.  Then I was crying and laughing - the emotional brouhaha finally released; the valve was loosened and the tears just following gravity and releasing the toxins within.

What a blessing this man is, always defusing a situation. However, as my Mom pointed out - I wouldn't like if someone said that to me and showed me their fist. In fact, I would feel slightly intimidated.

And then she threw in the obvious - "Is that what you're going to do when you have kids?" And of course, he and she started laughing all over again at, with me, for me. (I have been saying this over and over to him in regards to our training of GingerMama or shall I say her re-education of us as to what she needs... tee hee!!!) 

Sometimes hard to swallow your own medicine.  And then you breathe through the lump and laugh.

I'm off to nap time with Ruby Meow where I can become still and peaceful and see how to sever these old patterns of behavior and heed my own truths.

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