Saying Yes to the Universe

I have had many opportunities to say YES to the Universe in the last few weeks. And each YES has led to so many discoveries about me.  

During the month of May, I was invited to Career Day at Harbordale Elementary in Fort Lauderdale. Goddess Shelley, one of their guidance counselors, asked me to come and talk about my career as a Laughter Yoga Leader with four Grade 3 classrooms.

At first, I was a little apprehensive. What will I tell them? What can I say? I do have an unusual career.   Tee hee!!!   I did a little research and read a great article by WSM Jeffrey posted at the Laughter Yoga Institute.  His words resonated and reminded me of what I already knew, "all you have to do is BE YOURSELF."

I thought about how my whole life has prepared me for just that - being MYself. And then I reMEMBERed, the most important thing is to just SHOW UP.   The right words appear when I breathe and connect with my heart.

On Friday morning, I put on my happy colors and braided my hair and let my little girl PEEP come out to play. I map-quested directions and gave myself plenty of time to get there early so I could find parking.  I sat in the car breathing and centering, preparing myself to embrace the energies of the school and all the people and little PEEPs I would come in contact with.

I signed in to the school system and was led to the Guidance Counselor's office where Goddess Shelley gave me my classrooms and locations.   I was blessed to meet a whole bunch of other people who were going to share amazing things with these students (a chef who brought creme brulee and was going to caramelize the sugar with the kids, a realtor with maps and pictures and a computer, a vet's assistant who brought in a helping dog, a pizzeria owner who brought pizza and all the ingredients to make it, and a mounted police officer who brought his horse....tee hee... I wish they had presented these kinds of careers when I was a kid).

I entered my first classroom to find a bunch of tired and sleepy third graders who were more than happy to oblige me by getting up and putting their hands on their bellies and HO HO HA HA HA with me. We clapped our hands to get our CHI going and tried some Greeting Laughter and talked about the benefits of Yoga and Laughter and then we laughed and laughed.  Time was up and I moved onto my next classroom.

The children asked about laughing and relaxation with yoga and we felt the laughter in different parts of our bodies.   We tried Shy Laughter and we gave ourselves opportunities to laugh out loud from our bellies and activate our meridian lines by touching our fingertips.  Then it was time to move on to the next class.

I noticed that the kids had an easy time with the exercises and laughing - although holding hands with the opposite sex was slightly more challenging.  However, I was surprised that they showed the most enthusiasm to our VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD, and jumping out of their seats YAY.

My favorite part was all the hugs and kisses I got before I left.  And I am so grateful for the thank you letters that fill up my scrapbook.

Very Good, Very Good, Yay!!!

Saying NO to others

I am still working on this one - saying NO to others so I can say YES to myself. And being a witch, tee hee!!!

I have a big heart and I want to help - I want to give of myself and my time - and yet, when I do that, I don't get what I set out to accomplish done and sometimes I also feel drained and empty with no energy left over for me.

In every relationship I have with others, we exchange energy. This creates a psychic cord between us. And when a conversation ends or a friendship ends, this connection remains open. A channel between me and the other soul where emotions and energy still flow. Sometimes, it hinders my progress and growth. And saps my energy as well.

In order to be true to ME and MY LIFE, I need to learn to say NO in a loving and direct manner.

I have let go of so many intimate relationships this year - all of them with women, Goddess sisters. It took me so long to open my heart and express myself. And misunderstandings and hidden agendas and probably a lot of naivete on my part could not heal the wounds that were created. I ran away to shield myself. Time heals all wounds, they say. When time had lessened my confusion, I tried to open the door to communication and understanding and find out what went wrong. However, these relationships ended. It takes two to tango.

I have grieved so much for what could have been, the partnerships that could have been created, the collaboration of women, the communion of Goddess sisters. And yet, to be true to me, I have let go of the how and why and pray that I planted enough seeds that with time and sunshine and rain will blossom on their own.

I thought it would be easy. Women with women - I didn't understand about the conditioning and the competition and the negativity - complaining and being victims. And about MEN and women's RELAT-ion-SHIP to them. And all the more rules and craziness that comes with it. I am more interested in uplifting my Goddess sisters and moving forward together - strong and powerful in who we BE. And sometimes I feel so alone on this journey.

I am cutting cords and separating myself from old baggage, unnecessary attachments, and release you from connections that are no longer serving you. I call upon Archangel Michael to cut the chords and help me fill these spaces with healing sunlight and cleanse. And in doing so, release these sister Goddesses so they may reach new stages of growth.

Life - such a delicate balance of GIVING and RECEIVING.

I need to receive - I need to ASK for HELP - so many things going on - clearing the clutter - letting go of what no longer serves me so I can participate in what I truly love. And staying true to ME.

Thanks for the opportunity to remind myself.

Becoming Whole Again

Grieving - GRIEF - Letting go

I didn't think this applied to me. NO-body has died recently - my life is charmed - and yet I have the symptoms, I am feeling, I am grieving.

Definition of grieving: "When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with."

I have been separated from many WO-men this year, Sister Goddesses - who are traveling different paths. Yet for the most part, I have come into acceptance - one of the last stages of grief - understanding that people come into your life for a season, a reason ... and being grateful for the gifts they shared.

What I am really grieving for is my physical loss - being torn apart from my EGG. This egg that I have had since I was conceived and birthed. This egg carrying my X chromosomes as well as those of my mother's, my mother's mother's and her mother before that. This Egg that could have been fertilized .... And lately, the losing of this Egg is causing me great GRIEF. My uterus sheds its lining and I bleed - tears for the Earth. I feel so empty, my container is leaking, I cannot take anything in.

So I go through the stages - Denial, ANGER - Rah!!!, bargaining, dePRESSion, acceptance -the great spiral of GRIEF that floods my body with emotions once a month until I lose my balance.

Caught up in all the sludge of FEELINGS and hor-MOANs and stories. Our society would rather not talk about this miraculous gift we Goddesses have and the powers it bestows upon us when we embrace the cycle. Sigh!!! I am surely trying to do that.

And then I have wonderful moments of GRACE when I can laugh and find my strength and faith to carry on until the next egg is ready to O-VU-late. I know I will find my center again. I am learning to ground and flow with the grief and let it course through me and EMbrace the wonderful energy it gives me - the healing heat in my hands, the knowing in my heart and the visions of my third eye. The creative juices that it sparks if I BREATHE and feel the GRIEF whole-ly and HOLY.

I am reLEARNing how to move through the PAIN and dance with my grief. How to heal myself and give up the suffering and experience the uncomfortableness and breathe through the tightening. Allowing my ES-sense to BREATHE and SWAY. Dancing with life. Flowing with my body.

Waiting patiently for the EGG that chooses to stay and play.

Being the Light

Speaking my Truth

Speaking my truth - standing my ground - not a matter of what I am saying but HOW. And in this case what I said.

And sometimes the truth hurts.

However, I need to hear it.

I have to find the courage to face up to things.

Even things I might not want to hear.

The other day I threatened him. It was meant to be humorous. It just popped out over my lips and exhaled right out of my mouth as I put my forearm on the table and made a fist with my left hand .

"You see my fist?" I told him.

I was frustrated, crampy, tired, irritated, feeling mucho uncomfortable and not honoring myself and doing something about it. It's that time of the month when I am flowing. We both know that on these days it is best for me to exercise gently (walk and swim) and rest ( alot of napping and lolling about). I chose to do differently. So many things to DO. Nervous about the whole family coming over this weekend. And having my place ready for show and tell. Moving things about and cleaning.

Finally, the stress on my body took its toll. We were sitting having lunch, him and me and my Mom (the witness, tee hee!!!) Whatever he was saying was aggravating me. And rather then face up to myself and breathe, I took the road very much traveled in my unconscious years - silence the witness by force.

He made me laugh. "Your fist? Is that a threat?" He told us how some of the hairs on his forearm jumped up in fear when they saw my fist rise.  And how he could probably sue me for Assault. We were all laughing.  Then I was crying and laughing - the emotional brouhaha finally released; the valve was loosened and the tears just following gravity and releasing the toxins within.

What a blessing this man is, always defusing a situation. However, as my Mom pointed out - I wouldn't like if someone said that to me and showed me their fist. In fact, I would feel slightly intimidated.

And then she threw in the obvious - "Is that what you're going to do when you have kids?" And of course, he and she started laughing all over again at, with me, for me. (I have been saying this over and over to him in regards to our training of GingerMama or shall I say her re-education of us as to what she needs... tee hee!!!) 

Sometimes hard to swallow your own medicine.  And then you breathe through the lump and laugh.

I'm off to nap time with Ruby Meow where I can become still and peaceful and see how to sever these old patterns of behavior and heed my own truths.

Weekend of Learning

I took some time off from my every day life to learn something new.  I chose to have an experiential hands-on kind of learning.   After  I read the book.  Kind of like getting a trainer and having a semi-private.  It was lovely.

I spent Saturday and Sunday from 10:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. with 7 - SEVEN - powerful Goddesses as we absorbed and breathed in Mama Goddess Helen and her labor of love, Itsy Bitsy Yoga.   YES!!!  It is as cute as it sounds. And so yummy for the soul - mine, the itsy bitsies LITTLE PEEPS and their blessed parents.

Sister Goddess Helen is witty and humble and inspiring and funny. The atmosphere at Yoga One Studio (thanks to Sister Goddess Darlene) was peaceful and serene. The bamboo floors, the colors, the draped ceilings, the sacred symbols. The yoga mats and the blankets.  And refreshments of course. Tea and coffee and popcorn and chocolate. All that a Goddess needs to keep the brain focused and tweaked. Our weekend flowed.

Over the weekend, Goddess Helen sat us in circle as she shared her cornucopia of wisdom on the subject of yoga and LITTLE PEEPS and child development and brain/body connection.  Healing arts - all the way baby!!!   She demonstrated and had us FEEL the asanas - (love, LOVE, LOVE kinesthetic learning to incorporate the visual and audio)and tried to help us see it from LITTLE PEEP's body perspective (first time crawlers and walkers).   She showered us with materials and resources and took her time to support us and lay a strong foundation.   Most importantly, she taught us the LINGO - LITTLE PEEP communication rules.   

That for which I am truly grateful was a live session of Itsy Bitsy Yoga with the Tykes and their parents. To see these LITTLE PEEPS stretch and follow direction and sing was terrific.   Ring Around the Yogi!!!   To see the parents give themselves permission to PLAY and interact with their kids was AWE-some.  Goddess Helen made it seem so easy to keep a group of toddlers and adults happy and active and connected. And she was so intuitive as to the concerns of each parent and encouraged each child's different stage of progress and the dynamics of the group as a whole.  And she used hulahoop props, no less. Tee hee!!!  Watching this energetic exchange created a pink bubble of LOVE around my heart that kept me warm all day!!!

I was in the company of five Sister Goddesses from Hollywood and Pinecrest and Jupiter and Jacksonville and one brave Goddess who came all the way from North Carolina.   These amazing Sister Goddesses are all Mamas too.  Empowering others to care for their little PEEPS (or encouraging those who have flown the coop) while they come to amass knowledge and skills and tools to make this world a more peaceful place.  Each one a powerful healing GODDESS and trendsetter.  Blessed are WE, my sister Goddesses and I, the peacemakers.  Each one, in her own way and with who she be and what she shared, inspires me to take that next step on my journey through Birth Camp.
Thank you for this lovely experience.   I am so grateful.  I am so blessed.

I highly recommend these terrific books for yourself, as an Auntie, a Grandma, Mom and Dad and these are great gifts for Baby Showers.  Easy to read and great pictures to assist.

The Real Me

Peeling back the layers of myself - standing in my core strong and proud. No need for veils and layers and protection. I am exposing myself - speaking my truth - shining the light on who I am.

And sometimes that feels scary and I feel vulner-ABLE. 

Able to feel Vulnus (Latin root word for Vulner) which means "wounded". Able to feel wounded. 

In the past, showing my true self, left the opportunity to be wounded. However, I see now that the LOVE and AWARENESS that comes from being vulnerable is greater then the sensation of being wounded.

In order to build a relationship with myself (and that includes all the LITTLE PEEPS and other personas within), I must be true to ME.   For what I do for or to myself, I do with others.

Peeling away my layers gives me the FREEdom to be ME. To sing. LA LA LA LA LA. To wear my hair in pigtails, if I so choose. To learn MEOW language. To LAUGH.  LOL!!!  To dance.  To BE.

And being consistent in peeling the layers (vulner-ABLE.) means that:

                  1.      I develop trust in myself (my little voice of intuition is growing stronger)

                  2.     I keep my word to MOI

                  3.     I speak my truth in ALL situations with love and comPASSION

And what I am finding is that my relationship with and conversations with others are deepening and blossoming. When I have the courage to honestly open up with others, everything is a little deeper, more fulfilling and the level of intimacy rises.

When I share ME, I give others permissions to share themselves, delve a little deeper, scratch beyond the surface so we can truly connect.

And then I flow with the Universe - a vibration of love and light and bliss and synchronicities.

Itsy Bitsy Yoga

Tomorrow I go for two days of training with Helen Garabedian, Founder of Itsy Bitsy Yoga. I am getting certified as a facilitator for Tykes (2-4 year olds).

I am so excited at this opportunity to learn new skills and get back in touch with my LITTLE PEEP.

Holding a space in my heart to be gentle with myself during this learning process. And patient until I get it. Tee hee!!!

I am so excited, I just can't hide it.
I am about to lose control and I think I like it.

Goddess Sister

She called me last night, crying. He left - told her she had too much anger and was unacceptable. She translated this to she was bad and called herself a piece of shit. She was crying, sobbing, oozing.

This lovely beautiful powerful Goddess who I am proud to call my Sister, my friend, my Goddess - reduced to tears and INsecure-ities and old mama dramas because of words he said. I reMINDed her that what others say to us is not about us. It's not personal as shared in the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And that when he pointed fingers at her, he was really pointing three fingers back at himself. She wasn't ready to hear it.

She was putting herself through all this pain and suffering. And I truly felt for her. She's had a rough year. She lost a dog, a cat and a horse. All these soul mates who'd shared so many years of her life have recently left. And it hurts. To lose someone you love. And yet, he isn't lost or dead. He left. And I remember the old saying and Sting song - If you love someone, set them free, if they come back, they’re yours, if they don’t, they never were.

I see a gift here. It's like the Universe is preparing her for change by creating a void and releasing her from RESPONSE-ability. In order to do that, she must let go of all that she knows to create sacred space for the new. And she told the Universe that she was ready for change - just before he came along and took her away.

She tries to blame it all on herself - a horrible person she called herself. And the LITTLE PEEP inside has to hear this. IT'S NOT TRUE. I hear you, O little One. And I know how wonderful and special you are. And I know how Goddess Sister, at this moment, can't hear you because she has her head all wrapped up in him. This song is for you.

We got interrupted. I tried to call her back and couldn't make a connection. So I painted her a rock. I poured my love and healing energy into this stone from Mama Earth. And I surrounded it in a pink bubble of glitter and harmony. Of peace and love, just because.

Sometimes we get ANGRY when our bodies fill up with ener-CHI and there is no healthy way to release it. When we are not allowed to be who we are - when we are censored, when we start putting others as more important than ourselves. When we stop paying attention to the little PEEP, the Goddess In Real Life within, she goes crazy. And she erupts.

Sometimes people leave when they can't handle our IN-tense-ity. It scares some to see passionate Goddesses who know their own minds and worth. It especially seems to scare MEN and so we try to appease them and do what they want to do and go where they want to go. And ALIEN-nate the LITTLE PEEP.

I called my Goddess Sister this morning and I sang her a song:

We love you Goddess
Oh yes we do
We love you Goddess
Oh yes it's true
When you're not with us
We're blue
Oh Goddess we love you.

And I knew that if my Sister Goddess wouldn't get it, the little Sunshine within would.

Late Breaking News!!!

2008 Election Coverage

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THE ZEN OF TENNIS

We played tennis today.  It was so exciting!!!  

We didn't actually play.  We booked an hour session with a tennis pro at the local park.  And he put us through the drills.  And 25 minutes into it, we were so hot and sweaty and flushed yet exhilarated and excited. Crossing Noah's path, I told him it might be hard to keep up this pace for another half hour.  And with those words uttered, it started to drizzle.  The water felt so lovely on my face.  And then it started to rain a little harder.  Our tennis pro called our session off.  Yay Universe!!!

I used to train.  On Mondays and Fridays at the 9:00 a.m. tennis clinic.  About 6 people per court forming a line and running to the base line to hit a sequence of forehands and backhands and volleys.  And then running to the back of the line to start all over again.  

At first, I felt so inadequate.  My shoulder would hike up.  I didn't know how to have the tennis racket become an extension to my arm.  My footing was all off.   So, I practiced.  I kept on showing up, consistently.  I bought tennis sneakers so I could hug the court better.  Tee hee!!! And a little tennis skirt so I had somewhere to store the balls when we got a chance to play with the others.  And then Noah got interested.  He joined me at the clinics.  

I stopped when I got injured.  And then Noah got injured and the weather hit 98 degrees by 9:00 a.m. and we traveled ....

I had forgotten how wonderful it was.  To run after a little greenish yellow ball and smack it with all your might.  I had forgotten how good it felt to release energy in this peaceful and constructive manner.  Harnessing and controlling your ener-CHI and allowing it free reign on a little harmless ball.  And my tennis sessions helped me become peaceful and calm in other parts of my life.  

Thank you WSM Ishmael for a great session today.  Looking forward to doing it again on Thursday!!!

I am so grateful.  I am so blessed.

Sunday Scribblings #132 - Living at a different time in history

Interesting this week's prompt.  Funny how things come just at the right time.  Personally, there is no time in HIS-story I would prefer living than now.  However,  if the prompt was slightly changed to HER-story...

My Goddess this week has been ISIS who speaks to me of Past Life.   Roots upon this planet so strong and deep that have anchored me in past memories of faraway times.  She tells me of psychic cords that have not been released and karmic his-story that is holding me back from expressing my gifts.   

And my dreams have been so vivid. In my dreams I can smell, taste, see.... places that I have never lived or traveled to in this lifetime.  I wake up drenched in the sweat of another place, another time - sure that it can't be possible.  And yet the steam and color of the cup of tea I drink and the texture of the fabrics I touch and the vividness and scent of the flower I smelled ...

I've had dreams of different lifetimes, places, beings.  Most of my lifetimes I have been a woman, many times a cat, and maybe once or twice a man.  Yet, all these memories have fear and end up in violence and death and psychic embarrassment (and at least one burning at the stake).

Yet, I reMEMBER a time before the fear, at the basis of our civilization, living in a feminine based culture in the Near East (either Turkey or Egypt or Mesopotamia) - where we worshiped the Great Mother and paid homage to Mother Earth.  We lived in peaceful times - in harmony with the Earth and all her creatures.  We learned from the trees and the plants and the patterns of the clouds and the birds.  We were stewardesses of the land and she rewarded us with pomegranates, dates, olives and almonds.  The land yielded cucumbers and melons and leeks and onions.  She provided us with naana (mint) and karkade (hibiscus) for our herbal tisanes and concoctions.

I was a high priestess in these days, engaged in the practice of Magick and the art of healing and medicine.  I practiced deep reverence to the fertile land and was a guardian to the wild animals. I studied and followed the cycles of the Moon.  It was a time of creativity and gathering of wisdom.  We shared stories in commune-ity and danced as we labored to give birth to the future generations.

             

We were healers and weavers and singers.  We harmonized with the Energy of the Earth.  We had no need to conquer and destroy.  We were prosperous and there was enough for all.  We used the resources of Mama Earth with gratitude and awe and enjoyed the blessings of Being.

It was a great time for women and children and men and animals, large and small.  I often dream about those times and wonder when the pendulum will swing back so we can once again taste the nectar of peace.

Something New

On my quest to expand my heart, I listen to what my soul says even if it doesn't make sense to me in the moment.

Checking out this cool Meetup website  I got to sign up with groups of  individuals in my area who share similar interests.  I signed up for yoga in nature and zen meditation and a vegan group.  Always nice to meet new people and try new things.

The first meet up for the Zen Meditation group was yesterday.  It conflicted with my weekly Saturday morning yoga class and it was 30 miles away (instead of 3 miles for yoga).  I seriously questioned the necessity of going.  When I kinesthetically tested my body, it kept on saying  no to yoga and YES to meditation.  My intuition was speaking and I was having issues with what I was hearing.   Until I quieted my mind and saw the opportunity to stretch and grow.  And step outside my comfort zone.  While I meditate daily, I wasn't sure if I could handle two 30 minute sessions of sitting meditation in a group setting. 

I checked out the South Florida Zen Buddhism website and found out that their meditation practices are held at Bo Hyun Sa, a Korean Buddhist temple.  Bright and early Saturday morning, I headed west.  They offered a beginner's session a half hour before the meditations began.  I walked into what seemed like a very large house and was asked to remove my shoes and led to the sanctuary.  All along the ceiling were paper lanterns with blessings for Buddha's birthday and ontop of the altar, three big golden Buddhas.  There were cushions and zabutons placed around the room and facing the center.  I sat down and proceeded to get my beginner's lesson with a nice young man called William. 

He told me that the sitting meditations were done with open eyes lowered to the ground repeating the mantra of "Clear Mind" while breathing in and letting the belly expand and "Don't Know" while exhaling and letting the belly contract.  Our hands folded in Cosmic Mudra - right palm up holding the left hand so that the knuckles overlap and the thumbs touching so that the hands form an oval.   He explained that if I needed to move or adjust or fidget, I was to bow slightly and then get up and stand behind my pillow with my arms in prayer position until I was ready to sit back down again.  And that concluded Meditation 101.   Thank you WSM William for your wonderful explanation and doing a great job!!

And just before 9:00 a.m. other people entered the sanctuary and found their pillows and settled themselves.  Dharma Carlos from Argentina led our session with a rapping of a stick on a wooden instrument.   And the 1/2 hour began.  

 It felt relatively easy for me.  Time seemed to pass quite well.  When my mind became active (wondering when this was going to end and how much time had elapsed and feeling my leg throbbing from half lotus position), I observed my mind and let the thoughts go and focused on my breathing.  And to my surprise, the rapping interrupted the silence.  We got up and filed one behind another and started taking small mindful steps staying close to the person in front of us and walking meditation had begun.  Ten minutes flew.  And then we were sitting again.  The second session felt relatively easier then the first - my eyes wanting to close instead of staying open and this too I observed and let go.  The rapping pierced the silence and we were done.  Just like that.

We chanted a heart sutra and a Korean song translated from Sanskrit.  And then we got up and stretched and it was over.  I stayed to watch WSM Jim perform a most meditative tea ceremony and I stayed to chat and enjoy a cup of tea.

I drove home feeling very calm and peaceful and grateful.  For the opportunity to gather with others and meditate and bring world peace through our stillness.   I also felt empowered and gave myself a Go Goddess Go!!! for my homegrown meditation practice which allowed me to survive and thrive in this public setting.  This experience served as a benchmark of how far I've come. Tee hee!!!

Go Goddess Go!!!

Expanding my Heart

It poured - Thursday, Friday, Friday night into Saturday morning. And then it stopped. At 5:30 a.m. GingerMama and I stepped outside and had a walk/run sniffing the air and talking to frogs.  It was wet and humid - we jumped into puddles and were so glad to be out without a downpour.  We walked in the door at 6:45 a.m. and it began to rain again.

Beautiful, lovely rain - feels like a monsoon type of rain - easy to sleep to as it slaps onto the roof and beats out a rhytmic patterns that lulls you back to sleep. Great for the earth and the plants and for raising the levels of water of Lake Okeechobee so that water restrictions are not necessary.   That's the way I see things.  The lady on the TV said it would be a miserable day. Maybe that's why I got rid of our television.

Went to yoga this morning and it was packed - I guess the rain limits our outdoor activity choices. And WSM Steve's theme in yoga was PERSPECTIVE - how we view things. The class was intense as he led us through downward dogs and hip openers and backbends.  Time to expand our hearts  - opening our chests wide and allowing our hearts to shine.

Today, I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone.  I had great focus and felt my body shift in all these peculiar ways.   And the Universe rewarded me.  Dr. Steve picked me for an assisted dolphin pose - placing his feet in my lower back and helping me push even further into the pose. It was so wonderful - I moaned. And came out of the asana, face glowing in bliss and contentment.

And then some handstands and more backbends and then into vrschikasana using a chair against the wall and assisted (thank Goddess). Supposed to look like this. Tickled pink that I could get myself up onto my forearms and get my body to bend that way. Tee hee!!

I sweat and I released and I felt great.  And the rain on the ceiling of the yoga studio was so relaxing during Shivasana (where we lay on our backs and let our bodies relax and absorb the experience).

I drove home singing along with the radio.  And the sun was peeking out beyond the rain clouds.  GingerMama and I went for another walk as it started to drizzle.  And as we were walking in the rain, I found myself singing.

Joy to the World. 

All the boys and girls. 

Joy to the fishes and the deep blue Sea.

Joy to you and me. 

Tee hee!!!  It's back.  That lightness in my heart.  That feel good energy.  That anything is possible sensation.  That I love this life feeling.  It feels so good.  The heavy clouds have lifted. And I am at peace with what is and what I don't know and whatever is about to come.

Life is good!!!

Forbidden - Part Two

I am so grateful for Sunday Scribbling's prompt - Forbidden.

It made me take a look inside. And yes, I ate the whole bag of pretzels and half a chocolate bar and then SHE realized that I was going to GO THERE anyways.

I went to the closet and got the picture of her out. It had been buried in the back. I had promised myself to do something with her image and preserve it so that time and humidity would not destroy it. I had purchased a frame a few weeks ago. I took the time to frame HER and put her in front of me so SHE could witness the images in my head and share her experience and GROW with me, through me so we could go beyond what was holding us back. That's her up there at the top of the post - me at age three.

Stretching - like the seed that has sprouted and reaches beyond the dirt to see the sun. That's what I am doing.

I put on some Kundalini chanting and silenced my thoughts and sat in stillness gazing upon her face. Letting the music seep into my bones and transcend to the molecular level of feeling and knowing.

I feel a light radiating - it is dim and yet I feel its heat. I breathe in and out. I breathe in and out. And the light grows. It warms my heart and tingles into my core, my legs, my feet, my shoulders, my hands. I feel LOVE and PEACE and JOY. I am surrounded by a pink bubble of bliss. I feel safe and protected. No harm can come to me here. And then the images and feelings begin.

Me as a four year old - confused and frightened by the tension, the impatience, the raised voices, the words that are beyond my comprehension. Me, a sensitive child, feeling and seeing things that others could not and being told to stop exaggerating and daydreaming or not to express myself.

Me as a seven year old - feeling the pain of not belonging, not being accepted, being different - equating it to not being good enough for the other kids to play with. Scared to reach out - feeling shy and apprehensive. Trying to fit in and squash my psychic abilities.

Me as a twelve year old - getting my period - body changing, no explanations as to feelings and hormones, no celebration of this sacred time in my young life. Kids at school mean and hurtful, dysfunctional family relationships - feeling the need to protect myself and build a wall around my heart.

"More food", SHE demands. "Or I will cry."

And I cradle her, in my heart. It's okay to cry. That is no longer forbidden. It's okay to be vulnerable and FEEL and express. And we sing together a song of joy and hope. A melody of love and healing and acceptance and forgiveness and letting go.

And I feel an integration - a layer being shed and my heart growing wider. No need for me as an adult (or at least I pretend to be at times) to hang onto these unneeded defenses - shyness and aloofness.

Or the big one - NGE, not good enough. Wow!!! This one I can really let go of. Tee hee!!!

Peeling the onion, stripping myself of these outer protective layers of unneeded defenses. Opening my heart to love and trust and sharing. Helping me expand and become more of what I have potential to be. And yes, I may still be vulnerable to loss and grief and yet, a greater love will make these feel bittersweet and part of the whole experience.

Embracing all parts of me on this beautiful journey called life.

It's here!!!

It came in the mail yesterday. Right when I needed a little pick me up and some sunshine to lighten up all the rain.

I knew it was coming. Goddess Bliss had given me a sneak peek. I just had no idea how much bliss it would provide. And how healing it feels to wear. I opened the package and sparkly pink confetti jumped out and a huge smile erupted on my face. Tee hee!!!

And then I reached in and found a pink card (her signature color along with the glitter, of course) with these words:

"Dearest Goddess, This piece has been waiting for you. What more can I say. Birth, rebirth, fertility, ocean and love. Wear it in good health my friend!" Goddess Bliss

And I reached my fingers further into the envelope and retrieved the black gauzy bag with a most beautiful handcrafted piece. I could feel the energy she had instilled within. The necklace was practically vibrating in my hand. Full of love and fertility and wisdom and experience and HEALING. Twisting and twirling each bead she touched and patiently put together. Marveling at the detail and beauty. And with a little heart and arrow clasp. Tee hee!!!



That is her gift, you know. Healing ART. Goddess Bliss intuits what is needed - what colors work - what energy to share - and puts it in her creations and sends them out into the world. She listens and absorbs and embraces the feelings and conversations and then turns around and creates whatever healing is needed through her ART.

I have been blessed to be in her home and art studio and watch her play. How she creates out of thin air and puts it all together with a flair and savoir-faire. How she puts her HEART into it as her fingers deftly dance on whatever surface and medium she uses. And how whatever she touches is full of love and peace and healing energy - like a day at the beach.

I am so grateful to have this Goddess Sister in my life. Her friendship, her wisdom, her love has helped me through many a moment. To have this necklace in my possession, feelings it powerful energy as I move forward (albeit micromovements) on this journey of motherhood and babies strengthens me - reMINDs me that YES, I too can do this. My magical talisman has arrived. I am open and prepared. Bring it on Universe!!! My time has come.

Thank you Goddess Bliss for your gift, your time, your generosity, your love, your friendship. This means so much to me. And just holding it feels so yummy and good. ALMOST as if you were here with me Meow.

Sunday Scribblings #131 - Forbidden

"You're not allowed. Get out. Get away!!! Don't go there", she warned me.
"If you do, I will retaliate", she whimpered.

And she does. I find myself going to the kitchen and pulling out food - any food - something to stuff into my mouth and occupy my hands and hinder my writing.

Except I have to write. I have to let it go. It is time for me to be fully reconciled with what I have left behind. Time to go through that FORBIDDEN door and release any painful traumas that distort my worldview.

One of the things I love about YOGA, PILATES and MASSAGE is going past my comfort zone, stretching my body beyond what it knows and where it is comfortable going. Sometimes, I gingerly step over that line. Like a little tiptoe across that imaginary line of what I know. And sometimes, I take one big huge step (with a little help from my friends, la la la la la....)

Yesterday, at YOGA Dr. Steve's theme was FOUNDATION. Building a strong foundation - supporting ourselves to win. And the class was in-TENSE. Downward dogs and hip openers and handstands and right at the end we did a stretch - opening up the hips and the groin wider. I had a partner assist me and help open me up even further than usual.

And that's when I felt it. A tingling. A rush of blood perhaps. Entering into a place I had not been in a long time. Definitely stretched beyond my comfort zone. And now, cell memories being released, body sending signals to the subconscious and retrieving emotions and images in a rush of sensations as I hold my body and breathe into this place, an old space, feeling right into my face.

The tears are building right behind my eyes and a little lump forms in my throat. I immediately push it away. Not now, no time to go there. Not going to be vulner-ABLE in the presence of others.

And then the moment passes.

Today, I wake up and I am .... what is the word? un-comfort-ABLE - not in pain, not hurting, just experiencing a new dimension within my body - a little sore, a little out of sorts.

And I pull a Faery Oracle card - Epona's Wild Daughter - she speaks to me of inner shadows, de-PRESS-ion, MADness and GROWTH. Answering riddles so as not to be destroyed by my internal conflicts. ReMINDing me that I cannot go forward until I face something buried within that is holding me back. Urging me to heal the unresolved issue of who I really am and what I truly want to be. Time to open the FORBIDDEN door where my fears, inSECURE-ities, self-doubts and denials reside. Time to allow my growth.

BREATHE and pop a pretzel into my mouth. Tee hee!!! I have a whole bag. I am covered for whatever comes up.

(to be continued...)

Time to Vote and Exercise Our Power

GENTLE LIFE LESSONS

                                   

                                   

I set an intention to experience gentle life lessons.  It seems to work best with my sensitivities and constitution.  I pulled Goddess Kuan Yin from the Goddess deck today.  She speaks of compassion and love and seeing the light in myself and everyone so that life lessons can come to me gently.  Tee hee!!!

I am absorbing it as my mantra this week. 

I am in the process of reading GENTLE BIRTH CHOICES (which includes a DVD on childbirth) by Goddess Barbara Harper who I had the privilege of meeting a few Saturdays ago as she was here for a viewing of Orgasmic Birth at the Hollywood Birth Center

I have been giving great thought and putting a lot of time into educating myself into the process of Birth.  A process that is deeply ingrained in our cells as women yet over the last 100 years here in the U.S.A. has become institutionalized and rationalized away as being a medical procedure and in need of intervention.

I choose to give birth without fear or pain or violence.  I choose to welcome the souls that will come to me in peace and gentleness and love - and an orgasm or two would be most welcome as well, tee hee!!!  

I have immersed myself in the ingredients of a gentle birth and letting go of preconceived notions and stereotypes of the "way it's supposed to be".  Holistic prenatal preparation so that WSM Noah and I are aware and ready for this new journey we are about to undertake. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Trusting myself, my body, my partner so I can let go and ease into the process of giving birth. Empowering myself through education about my food choices (nutrition for the vessel that carries my soul), community (people who I surround myself with), environment (water birth) and support (midwives and doulas).  Putting all the elements together a-head of time.

 

I have come to understand that parenting starts way before pregnancy.   Looking within and sorting out traumas and learned behaviors so we are not forced to repeat unconscious patterns that may no longer work for us.  Learning to communicate within  and amongst ourselves and changing our vibrations.  Consciously radiating and sending out magnetic energy to attract a soul to be granted the gift of a human body.    Shifting thoughts and attitudes and sloughing off old skin cells that no longer serve their purpose.  

In gratitude and awe for where we have come from and where we are NOW MEOW and where we are heading.  

OVERwhelm

I came back to OVERwhelm - new Moon, feeling empty and tired, GingerMama in heat, three Meows out of sort, 364 emails and Lordy knows how many telephone calls. And I think I have managed to miss all of my August birthdays and anniversaries (my apologies to family, friends and other loved ones).

I felt that heavy cloud of TOO MUCH TO DO sitting on my shoulders. And NOT SURE where to pick up the pieces and start. Piles over here, piles over there.

So I took a deep breath and reMEMBERed O.D.A.A.T - one day at a time. One BABY STEP in any direction. I focused on what was working and let go of my list of things I haven't done or SHOULD be doing (what is up with shoulding on myself anyways?)

And it is - first, my commitments - showing up for Laughter Yoga as per my calendar. Being there for family members who depend on me. And then keeping up with my exercise - Yoga, Pilates, and long walks with GingerMama.

And changing the focus - from all that is not done to what is getting accomplished - framed three pieces of my ArtWork. Have one up on the wall and two waiting to be wired and hung.

I completed a series of 20 yoga classes. Really excited - signed up for another 20. Very good, very good, Yay!!!

I am coming back to 10,000 steps a day - walking consistently three to four times a day - thank you Doggess/Goddess GingerMama for this response-ability.

I am reading - EVERY DAY - one hour set aside to learn something new or immerse myself in someone else's life. Tee hee!!!

I am slowing myself down to give my body a chance to catch up. And my body has its own rhythm - synching my mind to my body (that's what YOGA is all about). Breathing and being still and being OK with it.

And meditating daily - in different ways - some days I chant and sway. Some days, I light a candle and sit in my sanctuary and listen to my breath. And this helps me ground. Helps me focus on what is truly important and how to best go about my day to accomplish and BE.

I am responding to emails yet feeling no pressure of having to get it done. I started my list of phone calls and again, if it works, if it is meant to be.

I am being gentle with myself as I regain a foothold on the shifts in ME and where I am going. Tee hee!!!